Boo hoo...Emotions, Schmemotions....

Ok, again, a caveat.  I'm still sick.  So, take what I say with a grain of salt.

I was driving to Wichita, Ks this morning for work and popped on my radio, turned on my mp3 player and ended up listening to Rascal Flatts.  I happen to really love their music, so thought it would wake me up from my sickness and lack-of-sleep induced stupor.

The song 'Sara' came on.  If you haven't heard this song, you're missing out.  Of all the songs I know, it's the perfect one to bring just about anyone to tears in a matter of 3.5 minutes. I have a funny story about my wife and this song, but I digress....

This song is about a girl who gets cancer and all she wants is to live a normal life, go to the prom, etc.  On the day of the prom, she wakes up to find the last of her hair gone as a result of the radiation/chemo treatments.  Well, her prom date comes to the door to pick her up, and he takes off his cap to reveal a freshly shaved head.  They go to the prom and she dances round and roung....a FREAKING tear jerker for sure.

Anyway, this song comes on and I'm listening along, when I got this image of me lying in bed with Amanda, holding her and stroking her bald head.  In this brief flash, we were together dealing with her cancer and just being together.   Well, you can only guess that I started to well up with emotion at the thought of the love of my life dying before her time.  It was an uncomfortable feeling.

Being a committed Stoic, I had to stop and think about my reaction.  Sure, it was a silly song, on a lonely 2.5 hour drive, with me hopped up on medicine and lack of sleep.  But I couldn't help but think about the implications of my feelings.

Does being a Stoic mean I have to 'man up', repress this type of reaction, and learn to not care about externals?

In short, I don't think so.  I honestly don't believe such a response is in accord with the spirit or letter of Stoicism.  However, I do think that being a Stoic makes me see those responses in a different way and shapes how I respond to them.

As a person who practices Stoicism, I've come to believe that HOW we react and respond to emotions, feelings, instincts, is FAR more important that whether or not we have them.  What we do with them is of critical importance.

I think, furthermore, that to assume that humans are even CAPABLE of living without emotions is a huge mistake.  Folks who live without emotions are usually called serial killers, pyscho/sociopaths...:)

So, how should a Stoic respond to emotions?

First, we must realize that not all emotions are real, valid, or even healthy.  We are shaped by our culture to feel things and we're not even aware of it.  When a commercial comes on for a certain mp3 player company, they WANT us to have certain emotions:  elation, pride, desire, etc.  To say that these emotions are good, proper, etc is a bit of a stretch.  A Stoic will most definitely have emotions, but they will be about things that REALLY MATTER.  TV's, mp3 players, cars, even our own health, are not things that deserve our utmost concern.   That concern should be reserved for our duty, integrity, virtue, loved ones, and friends.

Second, emotions must be of a proper intensity.  If my dog gets run over by a car, it's completely ok for me to be upset, distressed, or even cry.  But, is it appropriate for me to quit my job, move out of my house, and live on the streets because of my diceased dog?  Probably not.

I'd go further than that.  In the example above, it would be inhuman of me not to be upset at my wife's illness.  However, along with the emotional side of my relationship there is also a very strong duty I have to her.  Indeed, to really be a 'good' person, I must carry out my duties, even when I don't feel like it.  Even though I'm devastated, I have a duty to be a support to Amanda and to continue to be strong for her.  To spiral into depression in this circumstance is neither helpful nor appropriate.

Third, in the end, we have to have perspective on our emotions and their ultimate futility.  Ok, sounds like a turnaround, huh?  Not really.  While emotions are proper and necessary as humans, the Stoic will have a certain perspective on them.  She will realize that the very thing we 'feel' for is ULTIMATELY not in our control.

We have little to no control over externals and to focus on them exclusively is to make the most fundamental of existential mistakes.   Rather than making the Stoic cold and unfeeling, this deep realization makes her hold onto less tightly and appreciate more deeply the things that matter.  It provides a certain 'space' or 'perspective' inside of which she can really see and then act accordingly to the object of emotion.

I'm sure all this is a bit vague and perhaps confusing.  In the end, I refuse to give up my emotions.  I WANT to feel a twinge of pain when I think about my wife with a horrendous illness.  But I want to also know that I will be there for her and will ultimately survive a stronger man after it's over, regardless the outcome.  Being a Stoic means, at least to me, that my virtue is enough to carry me through whatever I come across, even if the pain of life remains real.

Take care,

Brett