Uncertainty...It sucks

Ok, well, I've been thinking about a particular topic in relation to my Stoic practice for quite some time. I was reading a passage in Epictetus last night and it really brought some feelings to the surface. The topic in question is my job.

The title heading of the chapter is called 'To those who are afraid of want.' Essentially, it's a couple pages of E. getting on to a student for being afraid of losing all his/her material comforts. It's quite arresting. In E.'s typical fashion, his admonishment centers around just a few basic Stoic principles. In this case, he focuses on worrying about what's IN OUR POWER and, a close corollary, what is the nature of the GOOD MAN(or woman-Stoics were very cosmopolitan).

In short, according to Epictetus, losing our wealth, health, friends, and being considered shameless, is NOT IN OUR POWER. What we DO have control of is just one thing: OUR CHOICE. He sums it up in this sentence which appears halfway through the passage:

...And you can live in confidence. In what? In the only thing a man can have confidence in; what is trustworthy, what is free from hindrance and cannot be taken away -- your own choice.

This passage particularly hit home with me. Not that I've not heard it formulated as such or that it's a new Stoic concept to me. In fact, it's one of the first concepts in Stoicism that appealed to me. What struck me was the context. Usually, something of the sort is uttered by Stoics talking about death, illness, calamity of a natural order, etc. It's not usually used to smack someone on the butt for their fretting over not having the comforts they are used to in their daily life, and the concomitant shame that might come from that loss of 'status' and 'comfort'.

As I read this, my mind turned to my current situation. I have a fairly important meeting with my boss this Monday at his office in Texas. This is the man who asked me 5 months ago to take on a pretty ambitious project for our region. Since that time, I've worked my ass off to do the very best I can and believe I've shown some significant value in what I have accomplished. However, with the economy as it is, I've been hearing whispers that he might be eliminating the position. Nothing from him or even those close to him who would know, but just hunches and guesses.

In the process of preparing my presentation for him, I've had this nagging thought in my head, like a needle in the back of my brain driving its way deeper and deeper, that on Monday I'll be told I no longer have this position and I'll be forced to return to my former job. Not that I'll be fired, which I highly doubt (although anything is possible), but that I'll be told I wasn't valuable enough to maintain the position.

The more I pondered Epictetus' words, the more I realized that my being 'demoted' and even losing my job completely worried me because I was afraid of the shame it would bring on me. In my mind, having either happen meant I was not good enough and that somehow I failed.

But, why would I take responsibility and the attendant lose of pride, etc for something that is beyond my control? According to Epictetus, all I have control over are my own choices and actions. Do I have control over the economy? Over someone not liking me? Over my boss's boss making him cut costs by eliminating non-essential jobs? The answer is no.

So, where does that leave me. Well, in short, it leaves me asking the important questions, relevant to my Stoic commitments: Did I do my best? Was my intention to succeed and be valuable? Did I act in a virtuous manner in all my dealings, to the best of my ability? I honestly feel I can answer yes to most if not all of these.

As a human, I have control, real conclusive control, over very few things. The only thing I know for sure is that I have control over ME. What happens if the worst happens? What happens if I lose my job, position, status, or whatever? If I'm true to my Stoic beliefs, the only thing to do is to deal with it in a rational and calm manner, to realize that I have control over my reactions, and to accept what happens and move on. To react in any other way is to have accepted the truth of some very shaky propositions and to have degraded my own integrity.

Knowing this to be true, I no longer need fear loss of job, loss of status, illness, calamity, loss of relationships, etc, etc. I can focus on the productive task of being a good man and acting in virtuous ways. I can enjoy the present and not fear the future for what it might bring. I can, simply put, know the perimeter of my control and fortify myself in defending it.

I'm going to end this post with the last words Epictetus offers in the message to his student. They are so appropriate and complete that I've nothing of value to add to them:

Why, do you not reflect, then, that the source of all human evils, and of mean-spiritedness and cowardice, is not death, but rather the fear of death? Discipline yourself, therefore, against this. To this let all your discourses, readings, exercises, tend. And then you will know that in this way alone are men made free.